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Subject: COOL JOKES/GRAPKAS ('',)
Replies: 393 Views: 31985
oubaas 22.03.10 - 08:54am
Hide him during a war
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.
Well, answered the priest, that's not a sin.
But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.
I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question...
What is that, my son?
Do I have to tell him the war is over?
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 08:56am
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 08:57am
Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, Break Forth Into Joy.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on It's a Terrible Experience.
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: Jesus Paid It All
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church ba t on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: Great God, what do I see here? Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: Hark! An awful voice is sounding
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 08:59am
A little girl wants to go
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
Mommy she said Can we leave now?
No her mother replied.
Well, I think I have to throw up!
Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
Did you throw up? her mother asked.
Yes the little girl replied.
Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?
I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy the little girl replied, They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:01am
More bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
11. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'.
12. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
13. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
14. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
15. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church ba t on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
16. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
17. Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir.
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better.
19. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
20. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
21. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
22. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:03am
Signs seen near church
The following are actual signs found on church property.
No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, Open Sundays, the church reciprocated with its own message: We are open on Sundays, too.
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!
A singing group called The Resurrection was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, The Resurrection is postponed.
People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily.
How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hea*se to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? --- (U R)
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:04am
Church for this drunk
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it! *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:05am
What is it like to you?
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:08am
Where have you been?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You're running around with other women, she charged.
You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded.
Counting your ribs, said Eve. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:09am
A very faithful woman
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout PRAISE THE LORD!
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, There ain't no Lord!!
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, PRAISE THE LORD.
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't.
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:10am
The blind man is here
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled Who is it?
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, I'm the blind man.
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, What do you want?, and the man said, I'm here to check your blinds. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:16am
Nuns discussing drinks
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
How do *you* know, Sister?
My Mother Superior told me so
But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?
Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself
Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life
How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!
I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?
Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it? *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:18am
Car just broke down
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the cir tances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:19am
A minister tells a joke
A preacher, who shall we say was humor impaired, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife! The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, And that woman was my mother! - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehea*se the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife! The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, ...and I can't remember who she was!
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:21am
Closing sermon words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.
And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365: Shall We Gather at the River. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:22am
A problem with teeth
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking! *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:24am
Try to help the people
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
Madam, he said in a broken voice, I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to 400.
How terrible! exclaimed the preacher's wife. May I ask who you are?
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. I'm the landlord, he sobbed. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:25am
The preacher is dying
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, Preacher, why did you ask us to come?
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:27am
Pastor painting church
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, What shall I do?
A voice came back from the heavens saying, Repaint, and thin no more!
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:29am
Letters to the Pastor
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:30am
After giving a sermon
The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
Good morning, Jonathan, the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. What's this? the preacher asked.
Money, said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, It's for you!
I don't want to take your money, Jonathan, the preacher answered.
I want you to have it, said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:32am
God granting miracles
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says get in, get in! The religous man replies, no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause God will grant him a miracle.
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down. St. Peter chuckles and responds, I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:34am
Lightning just struck
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?
From up above, there came a voice, Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:39am
Truly incredible dog
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
Well, they said, let's try this out.
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pro nounced the command, Heel!
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:46am
Minister Billy Graham
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.
I don't think I'll be there, the boy said. You don't even know your way to the post office. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:49am
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:50am
Bloopers of children
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, Man doth not live by sweat alone.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:54am
Highly religious horse
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?
The missionary says, Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop.
Not paying much attetion, the man says, Sure, ok.
So he gets on the horse and says, Thank God and the horse starts walking. Then he says, Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!
Finally he remembers, Amen!!
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, Thank God.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:55am
Microsoft gets church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home.
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFT's vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:56am
Learning information
Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.
Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.
The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.
'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.
'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!
So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.
Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:58am
What has caused it?
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 09:59am
Taxi driver in Heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:00am
Seeing a child in need
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:03am
Question and answer
Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!
Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:04am
Animals go to Heaven
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:06am
Service for Your Dog
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?
Father Patrick told the farmer No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.
Muldoon said I'll go right now. By the way, do you think 50,000 is enough to donate for the service?
Father Patrick replied Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:07am
New Office Supplies
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
I'll tell you why, shouted Deacon Brown. Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.
Well, interrupted the dealer, didn't you receive them yet?
Oh, we received them all right, replied Deacon Brown.
However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, Play Golf Next Sunday.'
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:08am
College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:11am
Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, Where is God?
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. Where is God?
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, Where is God!?
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, What happened?
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it! *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:14am
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is Y'all come on in!
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of.
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of 2 calves.
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:16am
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....Da-ad....
What?
I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?
No. You had your chance. Lights out.
Five minutes later:Da-aaaad.....
WHAT?
I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!
Five minutes later......Daaaa-aaaad.....
WHAT!
When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water? *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:17am
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: Who gave you this stuff?
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:18am
A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can't even swim! *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:21am
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. How did that happen? gasped her mother. It wasn't easy, admitted the young lady, but three girls helped me catch him. *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:26am
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white? *
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:29am
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
That's terrible! the priest exclaimed, but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord.
Thank you! the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!
*
oubaas 22.03.10 - 10:51am
Gates of Heaven
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book.
How current is your copy? he asks.
I get a download every ten minutes, St. Peter replies, why do you ask?
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet.
I'm glad to hear that, Pete says, but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?
The guys thinks for a moment and says, Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!
St. Peter, duly impressed, says Wow! When did this happen?
About three minutes ago.
*
oubaas 26.03.10 - 06:25am
Ou kom vannaf die plaas, stap in supermark en sien die onbekende.sien n blik poeier koffie hoe gemaak? Nee se sy stadspal. 1teelepel in beker kookwater dan is dit kits koffie. Stap en sien poeier melk. Hoe werk dit? 2teelepels by water dan het jy melk! Volgende wat hy sien is n blik babapoeier! Ag asseblief hier hou ek op vrae vra dis die uiterste wat ek nou gesien het! *
oubaas 26.03.10 - 03:59pm
Die boer le en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin lui. Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus se: Maneer, nameer, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas. Die boer vra toe Petrus, Wat is fout? Petrus: Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom hier by die plaas. Toe die boer daar kom se Petrus: Een vannie skape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie. Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter die toonbank, Verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete? Koel en kalm antwoord sy: Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n swak bra. *
oubaas 26.03.10 - 04:02pm
Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500! E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow! The next day: Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night. Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back. Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.. Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow. So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning. A few weeks later, Bongani b*mped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead. Yoh! And the people they didn't complain? Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy! Sipho is now in parliament. *
