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Subject: COOL JOKES/GRAPKAS ('',)
Replies: 393 Views: 32019
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:08am
Gatiep se Voicemail
My bra, Gatiep is nie available nie.
Los djhou naam en djhou nomma en ek stuur vir djhou a please call me. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:11am
Liewe Vriende,
Ek wil graag dankie se aan al my vriende vir al die belangrike e-possies die laaste maande!
Wat 'n eer dat julle my ingesluit het in julle soektog na inligting en kennis!
Danksy julle het ek opgehou om c*ke te drink a.g.v. die feit dat dit selfs
porseleinvlekke verwyder in die toilet! Ek het opgehou om te gaan fliek, want ek is te bang ek gaan sit op 'n naald besmet met aaklige siektes!
Ek mag wel deesdae stink, maar danksy julle aanmanings, sal ek nie kanker ontwikkel van die deodorant wat ek vantevore gebruik het nie!
Ek los my kar nou nooit in n parkeer garage nie, al moet ek soms tot 7 blokke ver loop, net omdat julle my gewaarsku het dat iemand my met proefmonsters parfuum kan bedwelm en my dan besteel!
Ek het ook opgehou om die telefoon te antwoord, want julle het my gewaarsku dat iemand my sal versoek om 'n snaakse nommer te skakel waarna ek met n hemelho telefoonrekening gaan sit vir oproepe na Uganda, Singapoer, Tokio, en dalk selfs na die Mars Rover!
Ek het opgehou om hoender en hamburgers te eet, want julle het my vertel van die vreeslike monsters, sonder oe en vere, wat in 'n laboratorium geteel word vir plekke soos KFC om in hulle Rounders te gebruik!
Verder het ek opgehou om enige ding uit 'n kannetjie te drink, want julle het my gewaarsku dat ek gaan siek word a.g.v. die rotstront en piepie daarop.
Wanneer ek partytjies bywoon, meng ek met niemand nie - julle het gewaarsku dat iemand my niere sal steel en my dan in 'n bad vol ys sal los tot ek self wakker word!
Ek is in die moeilikheid met die polisie op die oomblik, want julle het uitdruklik ges om nie oor te trek na die kant van die pad nie, want vals polisiemanne gaan my probeer ontvoer!
Ek is bankrot a.g.v. al die rubbertjeks wat ek uitgeskryf het in afwagting van die 15,000 wat Microsoft en AOL aan my sou stuur omdat ek deel geneem het aan hulle spesiale e-pos program!
Dit is ook snaaks dat my nuwe gratis selfoon nooit gearriveer het nie, ook nie die koeponne vir my gratis vakansie in Disneyland nie!
Maar ek is seker dat dit alles te doen het met die feit dat ek n kettingbrief se reels gebreek het, en nou is ek vervloek!!
OEPS, AMPER VERGEET EK; BAIE BELANGRIK: As jy nie hierdie nuusbrief aan ten minste 1200 mense stuur in die volgende 10 sekondes nie, gaan 'n voel vanaand om 7 uur op jou kop tjorts!! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:13am
Kallie en Mike sit en kyk die tien-uur nuus op televisie. Skielik is daar 'n insetsel van 'n man wat dreig om by 'n hoe gebou af te spring. Ek wed jou tien rand hy gaan spring! se Kallie. Nou goed, antwoord Mike. Dan wed ek jou tien rand hy sal nie spring nie. Die volgende oomblik duik die man sierlik van die gebou se dak af en val homself te pletter op die sypaadjie. Mike skud net sy kop en betaal Kallie die tien rand. 'n Tydjie later begin Kallie se gewete aan hom knaag. Mike, eintlik was ons weddenskap nie eerlik nie. Ek het op die ses-uur nuus dieselfde storie gesien, en ek het geweet hy gaan spring. Dis OK, antwoord Mike. Ek het ook die ses-uur nuus gesien, maar ek het nie gedink hy sal wragtag weer spring nie. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:15am
Mike en sy vrou besef hulle moet bykom in die nuwe Suid-Afrika en besluit om 'n swart babatjie aan te neem. Nie lank nie, toe laat weet die sosiale werkster dat daar 'n pasgebore babatjie beskikbaar is, en hulle hom maar kan kom haal. Hulle maak so, en op pad huis toe hou hulle met baba en al stil by die tegniese kollege, en skryf in vir 'n Zulukursus. 'Want,' se Mike, 'dis net 'n jaar dan begin die mannetjie praat...' *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:17am
Klein Pietie slaan in die kombuis uit en tune sy ma hy wil praat oor geskenke. Ma, se hy. Ek soek 'n fiets vir Krismis.
Maar Pietie is eintlik bitter stout en maak altyd moeilikheid by die skool en met sy gesin. Sy ma reken hy moet eers di*nk aan sy optrede deur die jaar. Dan moet hy vir Liewe Jesus 'n briefie skryf en verduidelik hoekom hy 'n fiets moet kry. Hoogs befoeterd, gaan Pietie na sy kamer toe.
Brief 1 Liewe Jesus,
Ek was baie soet hierdie jaar. Kan ek asb 'n fiets kry vir Krismis? 'n Rooie.
Pietie
Na hy bietjie gedink het weet Pietie hierdie storie gaan nie werk nie. Hy was regtig onmoontlik stout deur die jaar.
Brief 2 Liewe Jesus,
Ek was redelik soet hierdie jaar en sal hou van 'n rooi fiets vir Krismis.
Soet Pietie
Weer weet Pietie hy vat 'n kans. Hy skeur die briefie op en begin oor.
Brief 3 Liewe Jesus,
Ek was 'n paar keer soet en dit sal nice wees as jy maybe vir my 'n fiets kan gee vir Krismis.
Pietie
Amper dadelik weet Pietie dit gaan nie werk nie. Nou's hy eers kwaad. Hy's uit kombuis toe en vra sy ma of hy gou kerk toe kan gaan. Sy dink: Mooi, die plan het gewerk. hy di*nk nou anders oor die saak. Wees net betyds vir ete, roep sy agterna.
By die kerk gekom stap Pietie na die altaar toe. Hy kyk rond , sien niemand, en steel die Maria beeldjie. By die huis gekom gaan sit hy in sy kamer en trek weer die skryfblok nader. Nou's hy reg vir die brief.
Brief 4
EK HET JOU MA. AS JY HAAR WEER WIL SIEN, STUUR 'N FIETS - 'N ROOIE.
GETEKEN - JY WEET WIE. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:20am
Die seuntjie kom laat by die sondagskool aan. Sy juffrou weet dat hy altyd baie pligsgetrou is en vra toe of daar iets verkeerd is. Hy vertel toe dat hy wou gaan visvang maar dat sy pa gese het dat hy kerk toe moet kom.
Die juffrou was baie beindruk en vra toe of sy pa vir hom verduidelik het waarom hy liewer moet kerk toe kom as om te gaan vis vang. Ja, Juffrou, antwoord die seuntjie. Hy't gese hy het nie genoeg aas vir ons altwee nie! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:22am
Die Bybelgenootskap se winkel het 'n bordjie buite wat lees: Man/vrou gesoek vir deur-tot-deur verkoop van Bybels. 'n Man stap binne en se, E-e-e-k s-s-s-s-s-ou g-g-g-g-raag w-w-ou-ou aa-aa-nsoek d-d-d-oen. Die vrou agter die toonbank is nogal verbaas. di*nk u dat u 'n goeie verkoopsman sou wees, met u spraakgebrek? J-j-j-a, antwoord die man. G-g-g-ee my 'n k-k-k-kans. Alles goed, in 'n Christelike gees besluit die vrou dat die arme man sekerlik 'n kans verdien, en hy is daar weg met 'n boks Bybels onder die arm.
Drie ure later is die man terug, sy boks leeg. Hoe op aarde het u dit reggekry? wil die vrou van die Bybelgenootskap weet. Ons beste verkoopsman verkoop nie soveel in 'n week nie! M-m-m-m-aklik, se die stotteraar. E-e-e-k k-k-klop, hu-hu-hulle ma-ma-maak oop, e-e-e-e-n ek v-v-v-vra: w-w-w-w-il u 'n B-b-b-b-ybel k-k-k-k-k-k-koop, o-o-o-o-o-f s-s-s-s-s-al e-e-e-e-e-e-k v-v-v-v-v-v-v-voorl-l-l-l-lees? *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:25am
Die dominee het die gemeente geskok toe hy aankondig dat hy 'n beroep na 'n droeer klimaat aangeneem het. Na die diens kom 'n tannie met trane in haar oe: Ai, Dominee, ons sal julle so mis. Ons wil nie he julle moet weggaan nie. Die liefdevolle dominee gee haar 'n drukkie. Toemaar, Tannie Es, moenie huil nie. Die volgende dominee sal dalk 'n verbetering wees op my. O ja? antwoord sy. Dis wat hulle laaskeer ook gese het! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:27am
'n Seuntjie wat die eerste keer in die kerk kom, sien hoe die kolektebordjie omgestuur word vir die offergawe. Toe die bordjie by sy pa kom, se hy dat almal dit kan hoor Moenie vir my betaal nie - ek is nog onder vyf! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:29am
Ek was 'n Sondagskool onderwyseres vir die st. 1-klas. Gewoonlik sluit ek my o wanneer ons bid maar daardie oggend het ek gekyk en wat 'n fees! Karen vra om asseblief vir Jesus iets te se en sy bid met die wysvingertjie in die lug Liewe Jesus beskerm ons asseblief teen die duiwel want hy het altyd 'n vinger in die pie *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:33am
Toe ek die stories van die kinders lees onthou ek mos my eie dogtertjie ( toe so 5 of 6, nou al 24 jaar oud), sy kom van die Sondagskool : Papa, Papa.....ons het vandag 'n nuwe teksie by die Sondagskool geleer Ek vra in afwagting , nou toe vertel my. Stilte, effe lank en ongemaklik, ek los dit en wag maar..... Papa.. e....o ja.....e....moenie vrees nie....e....e.....e....watch net! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:35am
Klein Bobby het die naweek by sy ouma gaan kuier. Dit het oornag gesneeu en Ouma besluit om die seuntjie die Saterdagoggend na die park te neem. Alles was pragtig en spierwit. Sy ouma merk toe op: Dit lyk presies soos 'n skildery! Weet jy dat God hierdie prent spesiaal vir jou geskilder het? Bobby se: Ja. Hy het , en Hy het dit met sy linkerhand gedoen. Ouma kon nie die kloutjie by die oor kry nie, en vra toe: Hoekom se jy dat God dit met sy linkerhand gedoen het? Wel, verduidelik Bobby, Ons het laasweek by die Sondagskool geleer dat Jesus op God se regterhand sit. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:37am
Drie nonne ry teen 'n slakkepas op die hoofweg. 'n Verkkeersman stop hulle en verduidelik vir hulle dat hulle 'n gevaar vir die pad is as hulle so stadig ry. Verontwaardig se die bestuurder non dat die bordjie het dan duidelik gese hulle moet 22 km/u ry. By nadere ondersoek blyk dit dat hulle na die roetebord wat se R22, gekyk het. Die verkeersman verduidelik toe vriendelik dat die spoedbeperking 120 Km/u is en dat hulle asb vinniger moet ry. Uit belangstelling vra hy wat die ander twee nonne dan makeer dat hulle so bleek en bewerig is. Verlee se die bestuurder Ons het vroeer op die R212 gery! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:39am
Die middeljarige man laai 'n ou dronk boemelaar op om hom 'n lift te gee. Die ou omie vra: Sho, wat ish jou naam sheunie? Die bestuurder antwoord: Paulus, Oom. Na so 'n rukkie vra die oom weer: Wat het jy geshe is jou naam? Ewe geduldig antwoord die ou weer: Paulus, Oom. Na 'n lang ruk van stilte vra die ou bemelaar skielik: She vir my, Paulus, het daai Effesiers toe ooit vir jou teruggeskryf? *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:41am
Jan, 'n gelowige gaan jag. In die bos storm n leeu hom. Hy bid, Here laat dit n christelike leeu wees en dat hy my genadig sal wees. Die leeu stop by Jan, sit sy poot op Jan se kop en se: Seen, Heer die voedsel wat vir my voorgesit is en maak my opreg dankbaar daarvoor. Amen *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:42am
Jannie het by die kategese geleer dat Eva uit Adam se rib geskep is. 'n Paar dae later kry sy ma hom waar hy op die bed le en sy sy vashou. Wat makeer? wou sy weet. Ek het 'n pyn in my sy. Ek di*nk ek gaan 'n vrou kry. was sy antwoord. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:45am
'n Omie van diep in die tagtig storm op 'n dag die biegstoel van sy plaaslike Katolieke Kerk binne. Vader, ek moet bieg, se hy. Ek is 88 jaar oud, en so iets het nog nooit met my gebeur nie. Ek stap nog rustig in Voortrekkerweg af, toe stop 'n pragtige meisie van so 20 my om pad te vra. Ons begin gesels, en die volgende wat ek weet is ons in haar woonstel en ons het die hele middag lank wonderlike liefde bedryf.
So, antwoord die priester versigtig. Wanneer was jou laaste bieg? O, ek was nog nooit by die bieg nie, erken die omie. Waarom nie? wil die priester weet. Ek is Joods, my van is Silberstein, antwoord die omie. Maar waarom vertel jy jou storie dan aan my? Verdomp! se die omie. Ek vertel my storie aan almal! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:46am
Tannie vra 'n klein seuntjie vir 'n mooi jong meisie op die strand, gaan Tannie elke Sondag kerk toe?
Ja! se die meise verbaas.
Is Tannie 'n Christen vra hy weer, sy knik bevestigend.
Bid Tannie elke aand? weer 'n knik.
Sal Tannie asseblief my beursie vashou solank ek gaan swem? *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:49am
DOMINEE DOEN HUISBESOEK.
Gedurende wintertye in die Vrystaat trek ouer dames n warm langbroek onder die rok aan. Een wintersoggend is die tante doenig in die tuin, met langbroek onder die rok,toe predikant voor die deur stilhou. Sy draf vinnig die huis binne en se vir die bediende die maruti (predikant) is hier. Se vir hom ek gaan gou-gou die broek uittrek. Ek kom nou.
Haar lippe rooi gemaak, hare gekam en langbroek uitgetrek kom sy in die sitkamer maar dominee is nie daar nie. Sy vra die bediende en die se 'ek het hom gase jy gaan jou broek uittrek. Hy se for my hy gaan gou die bybel by die kar bere! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:52am
As ek my huis verkoop en al die geld vir die kerk gee, sal dit my in die hemel kry?, vra ek vir my Sondagskool klassie.
Nee! antwoord hulle gelyk
As ek elke dag die kerk skoonmaak en die gras sny, sal dit my in die hemel kry?
Nee! antwoord hulle weer.
As ek baie lief is vir my man en my kinders is en net goed doen aan diere, sal dit my in die hemel kry?
Nee! is die antwoord weer.
Nou as dit nie help nie - hoe kan ek in die hemel kom?
'n Sesjarige seuntjie skree, Juffrou moet eers doodgaan. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:56am
Terwyl die dominee preek, sien hy dat klein Jannie kort-kort iemand met n kettie piets.
Toe die gemeente sing, glip die dominee vinnig af na Jannie en gryp hom aan sy kraag.
Jannie, wat di*nk jy doen jy hier in die kerk?
Moenie worrie nie, Dominee, se Jannie. Ek hou die gemeente wakker terwyl Dominee preek. *
0038girl 6.04.09 - 05:06pm
Uitstekende Afrikaanse humor! *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 09:12pm
Ja nogal. Ek het iewers Oubaas en Hilda Jokes ook. *
0038girl 7.04.09 - 04:44am
Koel ek kyk vir dit. *
oubaas 7.04.09 - 04:10pm
Baie dankie. ek wonder wat het van die outydse van der Merwe en kallie en Mike grappe geword. *
0038girl 8.04.09 - 03:57am
Ek sal bietjie soek. *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 11:51am
Dit sal koel wees dankie. *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:36pm
Two blondes are in Los Angeles
One blonde was looking at a travel brochure and asks the other....
Which is further,London or the Moon?
The other blonde replies: HELLOOOOO!!!!!!
Can you see London from here?????!!!!!
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:37pm
. Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
Help, help! yells one of the blondes.
Help us, help us! yells the other.
Maybe it would help if we yelled together, said the first blonde.
Good idea, said the other.
Together, together! *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:38pm
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
The next day, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, 'I'm hanging myself.'
'You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
I tried that,' replied the blonde, 'but I couldn't breathe.'
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:39pm
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, What's the story?
He replies, Just cr*p in the carburetor.
She asks, How often do I have to do that? *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:39pm
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you! *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:40pm
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. Yoo-hoo! she shouts, How can I get to the other side? The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, You ARE on the other side.
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:40pm
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULL OVER! NO! the blonde yelled back,
IT'S A SCARF!
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:41pm
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space! The American said, We were the first on the moon! The Blonde said, So what? We're going to be the first on the sun! The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up! said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, We're not stupid, you know, we're going at night!
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:42pm
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was:
If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for a time and then asked, Is it on or off? *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:43pm
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers.
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:44pm
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little while later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again angrily; back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, Is something wrong?
To which she replied, There certainly is!
(Are you ready? This is a beauty )
My stupid computer keeps saying, you've got mail.
*
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:45pm
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:46pm
On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their
church.
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
Who is it? they called out.
I'm the blind man, came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
Okay, sisters, he said, where do you want the blinds? *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:48pm
THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A SCHOOL DISTRICT.
(SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)
MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE EXCUSE JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
MEGAN COULD NOT COE TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE d*mnS. WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.
KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
MY DAUGHTR WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:49pm
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, What are all those clocks? St. Peter answered, Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
Oh, said the man, Whose clock is that? That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. Incredible, said the man. And whose clock is that one? St. Peter responded, That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life. Where's Jacob Zuma's ? asked the man.
Jake's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan. *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:51pm
Hoekom skreeu Hadidas as hulle vlieg? Hulle lei aan hoogtevrees. *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:53pm
Die boer wys sy plaas vir sy blonde besoekster. 'En hier is ons koeie,' verduidelik die boer. 'Daardie en daar anderkant is darem 'n pragtige bruin kleur, ne' se die besoekster. 'Dis 'n Jersey ' se die boer. 'Is dit regtig so?' se die besoekster 'Ek dog dis haar vel.' *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:54pm
Die mafiabaas kom agter dat sy vrou 'n verhouding het met sy beste vriend. Hy is nie links nie, en skiet die vriend op die plek dood. Vrou: 'Jy moet jou nonsens los. Een van die dae het jy niks meer vriende oor nie.' *
oubaas 8.04.09 - 06:55pm
SPIETKOP: Mev, u ID s dat u met brille moet ry!
BLONDINE: I've got contacts.
SPIETKOP: Ek gee nie 'n tiekie om wie jy ken nie!!! *
oubaas 19.04.09 - 09:05am
A man and his wife argued about who is making the coffee in the morning. Youre the wife, its your kitchen so you should make the coffee so she did. The next morning she was prepared for her husband. Again he said that she should make the cofee and she reply Dear, in the Bible it says that you should brew the coffee She took her Bible and showed him Hebrews. *
0038girl 24.04.09 - 05:41am
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped. His buddy said, I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s*x, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled! So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out? She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'. *
oubaas 24.04.09 - 07:11am
This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. Where is he? he shouts. Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you? I don't know what you're talking about she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. Aha! he thinks, That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife. He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.
So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks What are you doing here? The guy says Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died. St. Peter says You don't belong here; go to Hell. He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.
A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks What are you doing here? The guy says I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me. St. Peter wags his finger and says I heard about you... you go to Hell too. He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.
A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks What are you doing here? The guy says I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business... *
catya 13.05.09 - 10:52am
(Bump) *grin* *
