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Subject: COOL JOKES/GRAPKAS ('',)
Replies: 393 Views: 31993
moenie 13.05.08 - 06:13am
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.. I hope it will bring a smile to you! A
woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed?
Breast-fed,she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk.
I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
*
moenie 13.05.08 - 06:16am
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, Under God .
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: TOMMY, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)
*
oubaas 13.05.08 - 06:22am
*
oubaas 13.05.08 - 12:18pm
DEAF WIFE?
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do, said the Doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens. Then in a normal tone he asks, Honey, what's for dinner?
No response.
So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, Honey, what's for dinner?
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from her
and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. Honey, what's for dinner?
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. Honey, what's for dinner?
Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!
*
oubaas 14.05.08 - 12:43pm
A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary: I would like to join this d*mn church.
The astonished woman replies: I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
Listen up, d*mn it. I said I want to join this d*mn church!
I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church...
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer: Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
There is no d*mn problem, the man says. I just won 200 million bucks in the d*mn lottery and I want to join this d*mn church to get rid of some of this d*mn money.
I see, said the pastor. And is this b*cth giving you a hard time? 
*
oubaas 19.05.08 - 07:29am
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies' he responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. *
moenie 19.05.08 - 01:58pm
1.n Man en sy vrou word wakker gemaak 3:00 uur in die oggend deur n harde geklop aan die deur. Die man staan op en gaan maak die deur oop waar n dronkie in die gietende reen staan. Die ou dronkie se hy het iemand nodig om hom te stoot.
Dit sal die dag wees,daar is nie n manier nie. Se die man. Dit is drie uur in die oggend. En hy slaan die deur toe en gaan terug bed toe.
Wie was dit? vra sy vrou. Net n vreeslike dronk man wat iemand soek om hom te stoot. Antwoord hy. Het jy hom gehelp? vra sy.
Nee, dit is drie uur, en dit sous daar buite!
Wel jy het n kort geheue, se sy
Onthou jy drie maande terug toe ons kar gebreek het en daai twee ouens ons gehelp het ?
Ek di*nk jy moet hierdie ou ook help en jy behoort jou te skaam.
Die man besef sy vrou is seker reg en trek toe maar aan.
Hy gaan uit in die gietende reen en roep uit, Hallo, is jy nog daar?
Ja. kom die antwoord terug.
Het jy nog iemand nodig om jou te stoot? vra hy.
Ja, asseblief. Kom die antwoord uit die donkerte.
Waar is jy? vra die man.
Hier op die swing. antwoord die dronkie.
*
oubaas 19.05.08 - 02:14pm
Shame hartroerend! Touchy 
*
oubaas 21.05.08 - 09:50am
Die lewe is onregverdig:
As 'n onderwyser 'n fout maak, vee hy dit uit.
As 'n tandarts 'n fout maak, trek hy dit uit.
As 'n dokter 'n fout maak, begrawe hy dit.
As 'n regter 'n fout maak, word dit wet.
As 'n skoolkind 'n fout maak, kom hy volgende jaar terug. *
oubaas 21.05.08 - 10:00am
'n Skoolkind wat kougom kou in die klas, lyk baie soos 'n koei wat herkou. Die enigste verskil is dat die koei 'n verstandige uitdrukking op sy gesig het. *
oubaas 28.05.08 - 08:27am
A man with a gun went into a bank at Cape Town and demanded money. Once he was given money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Nay meneer ek hettie gasien nie, maar my vrou het! *
oubaas 28.05.08 - 09:22am
Die seuntjie was verskriklik stout en was vir die res van sy skoolloopbaan gestraf...geen sakgeld, maatjies, uitgaan, ens. Een oggend gee sy ma vir hom R10 sakgeld, s vir hom dat hy die middag by sy maats mag speel maar dat hy niks later as 5 uur tuis moet wees nie. So gemaak en toe hy op die kop 5 uur tuiskom, sien hy dat sy ma hulle getrek het! *
oubaas 5.06.08 - 10:12am
WARNING!
THERE IS A SEVERE
EMAIL VIRUS IN
CIRCULATION!
LOOK WHAT IT DID
TO MY MOUSE!
*
engelier 8.06.08 - 07:37am
klein seuntjie is lastig in di kerk. Mamma, ek wil gan piepie. Later staan di pa op om hom uit te vat. Hy kom terug en se ewe trots: mamma ek het gepiepie. Ma: mooi so. Sit nou stil. Mamma ek het op di gras gepiepie. Pragtig my kind. Sjuut nou. Seun: pappa het ook op di gras gepiepie. (Ek hoor di kerk moes verdaag word) *
oubaas 9.06.08 - 06:36am
*
moenie 11.06.08 - 02:55pm
Juffrou vra vir klein Jannie om 'n sin te maak met attack en quarrel.
Jannie I pick attack o grapes and eat them quarrel by quarrel. *
oubaas 11.06.08 - 03:00pm
ne?
*
gawie 25.06.08 - 08:39am
A little girl was sitting in her classroom in England when her teacher
walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be English and
how wonderful it is to be an England supporter. The teacher then asked
everyone who supported England to put up their hand. Every hand in the
class besides one went up. This surprised the teacher and so she asked
the little girl why her hand wasn't up.
Well, said the little girl, because I dont support England.
Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported. I support
the Springboks, she replied. Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the
little girl why she supported the Springboks. My mom supports the
Springboks, and my dad supports the Springboks, so I support the
Springboks. The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk
asked: Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what
would you be?
The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied:
An England supporter! *
seastarr 26.06.08 - 11:13am
*
seastarr 26.06.08 - 11:19am
Cool joke
What do you call three blonds in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes!
*
seastarr 9.07.08 - 07:42am
Where did the one legged waitress find a job?
IHOP
*
oubaas 9.07.08 - 11:31am *
oubaas 16.07.08 - 11:28am
Hilda: Oubaas hulle se daar is skielik 'n ernstige behuisingstekort in Bloemfontein.
Oubaas: Hoe so my perskepit?
Hilda: Blykbaar omdat die Blou Bulle die Cheetahs teruggebring het aarde toe.
*
engelier 16.07.08 - 11:33am
Mugabe stap in n kroeg met n padda op sy kop. Barman: wat gaan hier aan? Padda: nee jong, eks gebore met hierdie gewas op my sterre. *
engelier 16.07.08 - 11:35am
Ek was Dr toe vi my jaarlikse ondersoek. Hy se die skuld vi my oorgewig is: drank, niksdoen en ooreet. Eks nogal verlig. Ek was bang dis dalk my eie skuld. *
engelier 16.07.08 - 11:38am
Meraai raak pregnant. Haar ma se; ek het jo gese jy moep agter jouself kyk! Meraai: ek het, maar toe breek hulle voor in. ! *
oubaas 24.07.08 - 05:54am
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch an shouts:
Praise the Lord!.
The atheist yells back, There is no God.
She does this every morning with the same result.
As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says Praise the Lord.
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she'd asked for, and, of course she says Praise the Lord.
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God.
The lade looks at him, smiles and shouts Praise the Lord, not only did You provide for me Lord, You made Satan pay for it!!!!!.
*** Doesn't this brighten up your day? ***
*
seastarr 17.08.08 - 06:36am
What do you call a fish with no eyes? 
FSH
*
oubaas 17.08.08 - 05:13pm *
oubaas 20.08.08 - 05:24am
A woman was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:
Darling, he said, I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!
Its not just one car, cried the blonde, There's hundreds of them! *
jewely31 27.08.08 - 03:03pm
~ACCIDENT~
A lawyer driving on a higway notices a crowd in an intersection.
With his urge to get to the thick crowd and see d action,he shouted, I am d son of d victim
Upon hearing this ppol made a way 4 him to get thru.
There he saw, blood & helpless lying n front of d ppol a pig b*mped by a trailer truck. 
*
oubaas 27.08.08 - 09:39pm *
oubaas 28.08.08 - 07:51am
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Rob Mugabe die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there.
Queen says, I miss my England. Can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there?
She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks, Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call?
The devil says, Five million pounds.
She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair .
Clinton wants to make a call too. He says, I wanna call the US.
He talks for about ten minutes then asks' How much do I owe you, devil?
The devil says, Ten million dollars.
He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat.
Mugabe is jealous. He says, I want to call Zim.
He calls and talks for about an hour ... then he asks the devil, How much do I owe you?
The devil replies, Only one dollar.
Mugabe is shocked and asks, Why so little?
The devils says, If you make a call from one hell to another, it's a local call.
*
oubaas 6.01.09 - 11:05am
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem? *
oubaas 8.01.09 - 12:55pm
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
*
oubaas 8.01.09 - 12:56pm
.Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! *
oubaas 8.01.09 - 12:56pm
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
*
oubaas 8.01.09 - 12:57pm
..Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
*
oubaas 8.01.09 - 12:58pm
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
*
oubaas 20.01.09 - 11:31am
Twee donkies wei in die veld naby Jerusalem. Eerste donkie: Ek kan dit nie verstaan nie, eergister het almal my toegejuig en hul klere en palmtakke op die pad gegooi sodat ek met Jesus op my rug daar oor kon loop. Maar van gister af is ek weer net mooi niks . Niemand sien my meer raak nie. Tweede donkie: Ja dit werk maar so, sonder Jesus is jy niks in die lewe nie. *
oubaas 22.01.09 - 08:47am
Die skooljaar is weer in volle swng en is Jannie se tweede dag op skool.
Tot sy ma se verbasing is hy 10 uur die oggend al terug by die huis.
Waarom is jy nou al terug? vra sy ma
die meneer en juffrou het gaan braai vertel Jannie. Gaan braai, op 'n dinsdag oggend wanner hulle moet werk? Hoe weet jy dit? vra sy ma.
Meneer het vir juffrou oor die interkom geroep en gese sy moet haar rooster bring, toe kom ek maar huistoe want ek weet hoe lank vat 'n braai!
*
oubaas 29.01.09 - 04:29am
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
station, when he noticed a little girl nearby
in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was
being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter
said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
s.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I
don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.' The little girl replied
thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
have a siren.'
*
oubaas 30.01.09 - 04:16am
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'The florist was pleased and
left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week. The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you'card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'The Member of Parliament is
very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that my friends illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Vote carefully this year. *
oubaas 3.02.09 - 07:26am
A Boer seun and his Pa were in a mall. As they were from out of town they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, What is this Pa? The father (never having seen an elevator/lift) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his Pa were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a b*tton. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his Pa watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son: Go fetch your Mom.
*
gawie 5.02.09 - 02:07pm
Predikant kom tot sterwe en vertrek hemel toe. By sy aankoms moet hy by Petrus eers die nodige details invul. Petrus: Wat het jy gedoen op aarde? Dominee: Ek was 'n predikant vir 40 jaar Met 2000 lidmate Petrus: Nee goed, ons het jou nodig hierbo, vat een van daardie besems en begin die plek uitvee. n Paar dae later arriveer ou Philemon by die poorte en gaan deur dieselfde proses. Petrus: Wat het jy op aarde gedoen? Philemon: Ek was die taxI driver gawees in Soweto Petrus: Nee, dis goed so, trek hierdie wit jas aan en sit op daardie goue troon, dan supervise jy al die besemvers. Dominee is opslag omgekrap en nader Petrus oor die saak. Dominee: Hoe kan jy hierdie taxidrywer bo my aanstel as ek 'n predikant was vir 40 jaar met 2000 siele onder my vleuels? Petrus: Dominee, hierbo gaan dit oor resultate; hierdie taxi drywer het meer mense in EEN jaar laat BID, as wat jy in 40 jaar gedoen het!
*
gawie 5.02.09 - 02:09pm
Kallie & Mike se oudste spruite het pas gehoor hulle gaan graad 3 toe.
Mike: Ek is so trots op daai laaitie. Gisteraand vra ek hom om vir my 'n sin te maak met bysin en gesegde. Soos blits se hy toe: Ons was ons gesegde in die bysin.
Kallie: Dis niks, Klein Kallie is in 'n Engelse klas en laas nag het hy my sy tuiswerk-boek gewys. Sentences.
Mike: Ne?
Kallie: Hy moes 'n sin maak met attack, defence & quarrel. Toe se hy:I climb over defence to pick attack of grapes & eat them quarrel for quarrel.
En om te di*nk hy's net 19! *
gawie 5.02.09 - 02:10pm
Three men (Mandela, De Klerk, Buthelezi) were travelling in a plane and their plane crashed in a remote island.
The king of the tribe told them that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get three pieces fruits the best they could get.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
De Klerk came back and said to the king I brought three apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to shove the fruit up your as* hole without any expression on your face or you'll be shot dead.
The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
Mandela arrived and showed the king three berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be!
Easy 1......2.....and on the third berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. De Klerk and Mandela met in heaven. De klerk asked why did you laugh, You almost got away with it?
Mandela replied, I couldn't help it, I saw Buthelezi coming with 3 watermelons!! *
oubaas 2.04.09 - 08:43am
Drie manne besluit om te gaan jag en hulle werk toe uit dat die trippie heelwat goedkoper vir elkeen sal wees as hulle 'n vierde jagter saamvat. Hulle wou ook nou nie enige ou saamvat nie so hulle adverteer toe in die Landbouweekblad:
UITNODIGING: Jagmaat vir jagtog in Namibie 01/03/2004 tot 13/03/2004 gesoek. Moet eie jaggeweer besit, goed kan skiet, en moet hou van 'n gesellige aandjie met musiek en stories om die kampvuur. Skakel Skietpiet by Vryburg 5555. Niemand bel tot so twee dae voor die trippie nie. Laatnag lui Skietpiet se foon ...
Goeienaand. Herman van Pretoria wat praat. Ek skakel in verband met u advertensie in die Landbouweekblad. Skietpiet is skielik wakker: Naand Herman, ja, ons het nog 'n plekkie oop. Watse geweer het jy? Herman: Ek het nie 'n geweer nie, Oom. Dis nie die ergste nie. Ons sal 'n plan maak. se Skietpiet, Jy kan een by my leen. Jy skiet seker 'n bars hou. Herman: Ek skiet eintlik glad nie, Oom. Dis ook nie die ergste nie, neem 'n paar foto's en kuier saam. Jy hou darem seker van 'n paar doppe om die kampvuur? Nee Oom, ek drink nie. Dan moet jy dit baie geniet om te vermaak met musiek en 'n paar lekker stories om die kampvuur! Net die man wat ons soek! Nee Oom, eintlik is ek baie teruggetrokke. Jy het nie 'n geweer nie, jy skiet nie, jy drink nie en nou is jy nog skaam ook ... Vir wat bel jy my dan die tyd van die nag? Ek bel net om vir Oom te se ek kan nie saamgaan nie ...
*
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:04am
'n Inbreker breek een aand laat by 'n huis in Waterkloof in. Hy was besig om stilletjies die televisiestel te ontkoppel toe 'n stem uit die donker skaduwees kom: Jesus sien vir jou. Vir 'n oomblik skrik hy hom flou, tot die stem weer se: Jesus sien vir jou. Sy flits wys gou dat die stem aan 'n papegaai in 'n hok behoort. Is dit jy wat so praat? fluister hy aan die papegaai. Ja, antwoord die voel. En wat is jou naam? fluister die inbreker. Gabriel, antwoord die voel.
En watter soort mense noem nou 'n papegaai 'Gabriel'? wil die inbreker weet. Antwoord die papegaai: Seker dieselfde soort ketters wat 'n Rotweiler 'Jesus' noem. *
oubaas 6.04.09 - 10:06am
Mike kom by die huis en sien hulle het sy huis leeg gesteel. Hy skakel die polisie, maar tipies neem dit maar lank voor hulle kom. Hy begin net goed opgewerk raak toe die voordeurklokkie lui. Toe hy die deur oopmaak staan die polisieman daar met met Ray-bans en sy polisiehond aan 'n leisel.
Nee magtig se Mike. Eers steel hulle my huis leeg en nou stuur hulle vir my 'n blinde polisieman! *
