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Subject: COOL JOKES/GRAPKAS ('',)
Replies: 393 Views: 31987
oubaas 28.03.08 - 11:21am
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very s*xy nightie. Tie me up, she purred, and you can do anything you want. So he tied her up and went golfing. *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 11:22am
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!
The husband said, Oh my Gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Doesn't matter, she said. Just get out. *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 11:23am
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 11:23am
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' Can you read this? the optician asked. Read it? the Polish guy replied, I know the guy. *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 11:24am
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. Thank heavens, said an elderly nun at the back. I'm so tired of chardonnay. *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 11:25am
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 01:05pm
JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mum
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: How does it know it's
me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. Please
don't give me this juice again, she said, It makes my teeth cough.
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: How much do I
cost?
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: Why is he whispering in her mouth?
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked
what was troubling him, he replied, I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: What
happened to the flea?
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this mum will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon...Dear Lord, the minister began, with arms extended
toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. Without you,
we are but dust... He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, Mum, what is
b*tt dust? *
oubaas 28.03.08 - 01:29pm
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. Ive got b*mps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..but thats not the worst of it! My headlights are out of focus and its especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and b*mp into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But heres the worst of it Almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter.. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. *
moenie 31.03.08 - 12:30pm
Hoe meet jy 'n man se status in SA? Aan die grote van sy kragopwekker!!! *
oubaas 31.03.08 - 12:38pm
Ne? 
*
moenie 2.04.08 - 06:30am
Hoe vacuumpack jy een van die oulikste,beste, dierbaarste en aantreklikste mense op aarde?..... Kyk op bladsy 1 van my ID boekie!! *
oubaas 2.04.08 - 07:11am
Wys hom dan! 
*
moenie 2.04.08 - 07:40am
Die FBI sien hom dalk en dan is ek in die sop. Dit moet onwettig wees om so oulik te wees erens!!! *
oubaas 2.04.08 - 09:27am
Hehehehe.
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man: d*mn! that must be my husband!
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and half-naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, went
through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman: I'm
your husband, you FOOL!
The woman yelled back: Right yeah? Why were you running then? *
seastarr 2.04.08 - 10:03am
tears running from laughing *
oubaas 2.04.08 - 11:09am
Die dokter ondersoek Koos se toekomstige vrou. Toe hy klaar is, roep hy Koos eenkant.
Dokter: Kyk, dit is n lelike ding waaroor ons ongelukkig nou moet praat.
Koos: Ek weet dokter, maar sy het baie geld. *
oubaas 2.04.08 - 11:11am
Vraag: Wanneer weet jy het die Rand werklik sy waarde verloor?
Antwoord: Wanneer die prostitute begin vas uitgaan. *
oubaas 2.04.08 - 11:17am
A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said, Dad how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.' *
oubaas 8.04.08 - 01:17pm
A long married couple, Oubaas and Hilda, came upon a wishing well. Hilda leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. Oubaas decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. Hilda was stunned for a moment but then smiled, 'It really works!' *
moenie 10.04.08 - 12:21pm
Man staan voor sy vrou & se: Van nou af is EK baas! Ek soak 'n 3 gang maaltyd, nagereg en snacks!Tap my badwater in en sit reg my skeergoed!En raai wie gaan my aantrek en my hare mooi maak?
Sy vrou antwoord..........AVBOB? *
oubaas 14.04.08 - 06:35am
Oubaas kom in die woonstel en sien Maria sit aandagtig en lees 'n boek.
Maria wat maak jy nou?
Oubaas, Ouma het my kwat gemaak en ek soek di job.
Maar Maria, jy sit dan met die Bybel op jou skoot?
Ja Oubaas, ma ini Bybel daar is die plek as jy die Job soek!!!!
*
moenie 15.04.08 - 05:55am
Man stays in hotel for the first time and calls room service: I want some pepper
RS:Would that be white pepper or black pepper sir?
Man:No. toilet pepper! *
oubaas 15.04.08 - 06:17am
*
oubaas 15.04.08 - 09:08am
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muf*led noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
No way, the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday! *
moenie 15.04.08 - 09:40am
A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over.
What do you mean? said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts.
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.
Then she touched her right earlobe. Owww, even THAT hurts.
The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?
yes, she said.
I thought so, said the doctor. You have a broken index finger.
*
moenie 16.04.08 - 09:51am
Four men were out golfing. These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, one complained.
The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too, said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!
*
oubaas 16.04.08 - 09:55am
Blonde oders medium pizza.
Assistant: Should we cut it in 4 or 8 slices?
Blonde: 4 Please. I wont manage 8 anyway. *
joe.sa 16.04.08 - 03:35pm
Ha,ha - that's a good one. *
moenie 16.04.08 - 05:07pm
New parents wan't to Christen their new twins. Pastor asks for their names and the nervous father answers: Steak and Kidney. Mother jumps in: No pastor............. its Kate and Sidney! *
oubaas 16.04.08 - 05:10pm
lol. Hmmm steak and kidney pie will do now! 
*
oubaas 17.04.08 - 07:27pm
Wat is die verskil tussen die Bloubulle en Mugabe? . . . . . . . Mugabe weet hoe om 'n wen te bewimpel! *
joe.sa 18.04.08 - 12:43pm Skuus ek's 'n Crusaders-fan. *
oubaas 18.04.08 - 12:51pm
The Crusaders hack wins 
*
joe.sa 18.04.08 - 02:17pm Ek weet nie - kyk nie regtig nie. Ek trek sommer net jou siel uit oor die Blou-bulle. *
oubaas 18.04.08 - 03:12pm
*
oubaas 22.04.08 - 08:18am
A man hates his wife's cat and decides to get rid of it. He drives 20 blocks from his home and drops off the cat there. But when he arrives home, he finds the cat walking up the driveway. The next day, he drops the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happens. He keeps trying to get rid of the cat by increasing the distance between his home and where he abandons the animal. But the cat keeps finding his way home. At last he decides to drive a few kilometres away, turn right then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reaches what he believes is a perfect spot to dump the cat. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks: Is the cat there? Yes, why? Asks the wife. Frustrated the man says: Put that stupid cat on the phone, I need directions to get home! *
seastarr 22.04.08 - 08:36am Good one! *
oubaas 23.04.08 - 05:42am
Blondine: Het u medisyne teen
wurms? vra die blondine vir die apteker. Apteker: Vir kinders of volwassenes?
Blondine: Hoe moet ek weet hoe oud die wurms is? *
oubaas 23.04.08 - 05:44am
Jan , 'n gelowige man, gaan jag.
In die bos storm 'n leeu hom.
Hy bid vinnig en desperaat....
Here, laat dit 'n Christelike leeu wees, is al wat hy uitkry.
Die leeu stop by Jan, sit sy poot op Jan se kop en s: Seen Heer die voedsel wat vir my voorgesit is en maak my opreg dankbaar daarvoor. AMEN *
oubaas 23.04.08 - 05:45am
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the
ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the
bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just
insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off, go
ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. *
oubaas 23.04.08 - 05:47am
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her: Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!
It's not just one car! said the blonde, There's hundreds of
them! *
oubaas 23.04.08 - 05:53am
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle, Anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him.
She run towards him, calling his name: Joe. darling..
Joe said: Hold your horses woman, and don't darling me. The deal was very clear!! Until death do us part! *
oubaas 6.05.08 - 10:43am
Die sondagskoolonderwyseres het eendag vir die kindertjies gevra waarom
hulle in die kerk moet stilsit. 'n Baie skerp dogtertjie antwoord toe vinnig: Omdat die ouderlinge slaap. *
seastarr 6.05.08 - 12:05pm
A blond was speeding on the freeway. A policeman pulled her over and asked to see her license & registration. She said, i wish you guys would get together on things. Yesterday one of u took my license away, now ur asking to see it. Sheesh. *
seastarr 6.05.08 - 12:16pm
A brunett went to the doctor. The doctor asked what seems to be ur problem? She replied I hurt all over. She touched her cheek with her right forefinger Ouch. Then she touched her arm, leg & stomach each time she cried Ouch. Aww said the doctor. I believe I see the problem. Ur not really a brunett are u. She replied no i'm naturally a blond. Why? Doctor replied you have a broken forefinger. 
*
oubaas 6.05.08 - 06:13pm
Eina! Ouch! 
*
moenie 9.05.08 - 05:56am
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Sa ay: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'
The teacher said, I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'
Then the lawyer said, I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'
*
moenie 9.05.08 - 05:58am
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, Happy b*tt. The teacher said, Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the prin l's office and get this straightened out. So she went to the prin l's office and he asked, What's your name? And the little girl said, Happy b*tt.
The prin l called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy b*tt.
The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy b*tt what's the difference?
*
oubaas 9.05.08 - 06:07am
*
seastarr 9.05.08 - 07:52am
poor child *
